& there's nothing left to see
it only hurts when -
you’re so close and i can’t speak.
i’m choking on sentences.
gagging on nouns.
spitting up all the verbs
you used to whisper so softly
in the dead of night.
you always asked so many questions.
& without you,
& your secrets,
& your honest blue eyes.
questions are all that you’ve left behind.
i watched as you drove past today.
watched as not a single glance
was set upon mine,
nor a single thought was thrown my way.
& i won’t forget -
our faded laughter.
or the way you changed my whole world.
the second heart i made just to hold you.
your advances i so reluctantly took in.
or when you told me we were only friends.
i won’t forget -
when you traveled across the earth,
with lungs full of ambition.
while i slept until the sun burned us all
a second chance with you,
& i gasped for your breath against mine.
but you’re no longer so close.
& i still can’t speak.
sunday afternoon
it was windy, but so warm and inviting outside.
four birthday balloons, filled with helium & hope.
we wrote out our wishes on tiny little notes,
tied them with ribbon to our floating vessels,
dreaming that they would reach the heavens.
we closed our eyes and loosened our grip,
watched as our wishes flew past the rooftop.
the wind carried them swiftly down the street,
& three towards the sky.
struggling from a telephone wire,
“happy 21st birthday” sparkled in the sunlight,
my wish hanging and tangled,
never to reach the atmosphere,
never to be granted.
“i wish he loved me.”
happy birthday
i still feel poisoned today - as though love is a disease that slowly consumes my body.
you’re not in my every thought, but the pain of lost dreams and friendship still weighs heavy on my chest.
i wish there were a way to explain why i’m not wishing you a happy birthday today,
but i’m afraid that i may have turned into glass - so fragile, so transparent.
the more i try to erase you, the more that you appear.
if there were an easy way to peel you off the pages of my past,
and forget those blue eyes,
i’d recast your part, rewrite, relive, regret.
while i slowly disappear behind the curtain,
will you come looking?
or was i just another smile?
its times like these i feel so unimportant,
so down and incomplete.
so alone.
& they all just keep moving onward and upward,
while i stand and watch you all go by.
12:15 am
I walked to my favorite place, again, without you tonight,
but I still held your hand so tightly.
The stars had shattered beneath my feet,
and were running down the river in thousands of forgotten colours.
The wounded midnight sky cradled a sliver of the distant moon,
and aided me with just enough light to lead me there.
I sat alone on the cold damp sand, with you in mind.
I imagine if I ever told you, you’d smile and laugh at me.
I’ve always been so different.
The music from my headphones flowed through my body,
like an intravenous drug, filling my senses with ecstasy.
A tear rolled down my cheek,
knowing I’d be leaving this heaven behind me soon,
as my cigarette slowly burned to ash.
I’ve never longed to fall asleep in your drunken arms so badly before now.
I wish even a photograph could capture this beauty,
but I know it just wouldn’t be the same.
I walked away with a smile,
but left my happiness behind.
1200 seconds of bliss.
annorexia
laying alone in this darkness,
wrapped up in insecurity.
calories,
calories,
calories.
can you feel my heart pounding?
i feel so weak.
nutritional value.
stimulants.
diet soda.
calories,
calories,
calories.
i take my coffee black.
kiss these collarbones, baby.
breathe in this stale air.
hold me where it hurts, baby.
you can watch me fade away.
i promise you,
when i appear to be nothing,
i will finally be everything.
insecurity
i hate remembering,
that i am not in control.
on the outside,
i’m complete,
i’m confident.
but on the inside,
there’s so many loose cords,
so much missing,
and melting away.
i’ve only seen you twice now,
but each time you bring a smile to my lips,
a flutter to my aching heart.
but i know deep down
that this broken soul
could never take you in.
i want to push you away,
i don’t want to ache,
i don’t want you to see how weak i really am.
i’m so afraid,
that i’ve turned into glass,
and you can see right through me.
so don’t get any big ideas,
they’re never gonna happen.
bff
love and affection
games and attention
i wish i knew the difference
if i could have feelings for anyone
you know deep down that it would be you
i know deep down that it would be you
its all i’ve ever known
these games
these same cards have been played
over and over and over
& i keep losing
my deck is running low
my tricks have been found out
your voice
used to bring a smile to my lips
a flame to my candle
& now
your voice
brings a flame to a burning heart
brings tears to my eyes
i make sure i buy an extra pack of cigarettes
so when i remember you
i can drown myself in smoke
i only wish the cancer
would take me over
like i took over your heart
then consumed it and overflowed it
poisoned with toxins
i can never forgive myself
i will never forgive myself
but we all knew the ending to this story
we all saw it coming
we saw the beginning and the end
i just wish
it was never written
ive learned nothing that i ever wanted to learn
only things i kept buried inside
i want to forget it all
i want to forget it all
theives
i remember,
the first night that we realized we were friends,
we were laughing to the point of tears,
hours felt like minutes,
and smiles never left our lips.
phone calls, lasted days, lasted nights.
sleeping, became unimportant.
time together was all we cared about.
i’m sorry that i got so caught up in our laughter,
that i forgot that just because you were something different,
didn’t mean i was.
i’m sorry that i thought my feelings had changed,
that this one might be something real,
when all it was was a chance to never lose you.
i’m sorry that i treated you only as an escape,
a dream, a drug, an addiction.
i’m sorry i stole everything out of you,
then never gave it back.
oh selfish girl, when will you learn.
i’m sorry i took our laughter,
our smiles,
our endless conversations.
— all because i wanted to be lost in our laughter forever.
i thought by falling in love with you, you could never leave.
i thought falling in love was so easy.
i thought falling in love was so real.
love is never real when you’re using it to suffocate.
& now i’ve lost everything,
for both of us.
& i’m sorry.
three days & counting
i thought id be lost without your voice to guide me
but these packs of hungry wolves leave trails
through the thickest of forests
& i seem to be finding my way about
just as well
creatures are screaming
through bows & branches
of past times & recent crimes
but layers of tightly knit sweaters
with hearts sewn neatly about
keep me just as warm without you
by my side
collecting strewn wood &
forgotten knots of mother nature
whilst you collect strewn thoughts
of forgotten pulses
of creases
& flesh
the search squad is on their way
but missed calls &
unanswered questions
will never find
what became of me
i will forget you soon.
early morning intoxication
i’m afraid to pour my heart out onto paper
although its running out in ink
i’m bleeding through ink blots
what do you see?
i’m slurring and blurring &
i’m not even sure what this picture really is..
if i could whisper one truth
through your head
so cold
so lonely
so fallen
i’ve disconnected
discontinued
you’re tracing lines
tracing hairs
tracing bones
ribs
hips
thighs
cries
cries
cries
shes cries
she always keeps them closed
those deep skies of eyes,
of stars and lies,
she smiles
and laughs
when you tell her
shes beautiful
shes perfect
shes everything
you ever wanted
but shes drowning
in a pool of something you cant feel
you can sense it, but you cant see
and shes breathing deeper
shes biting her lip
shes clenching
and you think that’s shes hiding
her pleasure
“what?”
she says nothing,
just a smile,
in which you return,
with loss and displeasure
you wish she was lost in your touch
this moment
this thought
this love
but shes drowning
touch, touch
sigh, sigh
smile, smile
lie, lie
comfort, comfort
we are accidents waiting to happen
& i knew you’d never understand.
